Friday, February 17, 2012
I'm drunk: get to know my fears
well it finally happened.... i got drunk and had too many drink and now i feel good enough to give you a very brief summary about what i really fear most. REJECTION. that's right, i have no problem being publicly humiliated or called gay but when it comes to being rejected by girls i break down and wont ask them out. why, i dont know... i think it's because i have a deep seeded need for approval. that's why i sleep around, that way nobody gets close enough to me to where i have to feel rejected if i open up to them. i know it's a short blog, and i have misspelled a few words, but whatever... this is my fear. felt like telling you.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Get More Head
If there was going to be a signature blog to one of my trade secrets, this would be it. Listen up people.
Preface: It all started about 4 years ago. Up until college I had basically limited my skills to pick up girls for just make out sessions. Like most kids once they get to college I felt like it was time to change my image. I created a nickname for myself, got a new haircut, started working out 6 times a week and had 2 personal trainers. Okay story time!
Remember what I said about reputation? I go to a small college and if I started wooing girls on campus and dumping them, it would get around and then I wouldn't be able to get anymore girls because of the rumors. Remember that. So I turned to the web for a new pick up technique (as far as I knew it was new). Some websites like craigslist and chatroulette will get some response but in the end, you have to be REALLY picky because you don't know what they carry. What I found to work the best was dating websites. It's pick up GOLD!! Now instead of screening them, they're telling you about themselves. If they use words like "handsy, cuddly, affectionate, physical, active, adventurous, likes to try new things" they like the dickadick. Use this to your advantage. I might go into more detail in later blogs about how to pick girls up on these sites, but this is about getting head.
Here's why I enjoy head so much.
1) They do all the work. Shoot, some girls even like to "show off" and I am happy to let them.
2) If you're going to get caught, it's easier to pull pants up then it is to put on all your clothes. Plan ahead, get a head.
3) You can get it in a car. If you find a better way to get head and then bail, tell me because I haven't found it.
So back to my story... I had met a girl online and we started sexting and skyping (and finding out her history), and finally she wanted to meet up. I took her out to a movie and afterwards I walked her to her car. I'll brag a little and say that I give great hugs and she didn't let go. So I gave her a little pelvic thrust (she thought it was playful, I was secretly testing her limits). I got my answer when she grabbed my ass and pulled me in for a better hug. I used the classic "it's cold, wanna get in your car and turn the heater on?" So now we're in her car and my dick becomes the subject. (Thinking back on this, I should be a playwright for a soap opera, I can't believe this shit actually worked) Anyways, a great story short, I wind up getting head in the movie theater parking lot and, wait for it.... SHE SWALLOWED. Girls, if you want to keep a guy learn to swallow a load. Don't ask me why it's so hot, it just izz. Here's where my life changed. She said, "ooh, you must drink pineapple juice!" I was dumbfounded. Turns out that drinking pineapple juice makes your jizz sweet!
I just had to test this out more to see if it was true. I made sure the next few girls knew that I drank pineapple juice all the time. The real cum whores knew what that meant, and the few that didn't use to swallow all of a sudden were craving me. Girls were buying me pineapples, dried pineapples, pineapple juice as a regular treat for me so they can have their treat later.
But Compass, why wouldn't they do that for other guys? you're asking. Simple... I have the perfect dick. It's just big enough that they can't all deepthroat me, but small enough that they want to keep trying. It's also pretty thick so they like wrapping their hands around me. Size matters, but pineapple juice levels the playing field.
So there you have it... That's just one trick to my dick that girls love to lick.
As my parting gift of advise, I'll leave you with this:
Drink 2 cans (or bottles) of pineapple juice 1-3 hours before getting head and become immortal.
-Compass
Preface: It all started about 4 years ago. Up until college I had basically limited my skills to pick up girls for just make out sessions. Like most kids once they get to college I felt like it was time to change my image. I created a nickname for myself, got a new haircut, started working out 6 times a week and had 2 personal trainers. Okay story time!
Remember what I said about reputation? I go to a small college and if I started wooing girls on campus and dumping them, it would get around and then I wouldn't be able to get anymore girls because of the rumors. Remember that. So I turned to the web for a new pick up technique (as far as I knew it was new). Some websites like craigslist and chatroulette will get some response but in the end, you have to be REALLY picky because you don't know what they carry. What I found to work the best was dating websites. It's pick up GOLD!! Now instead of screening them, they're telling you about themselves. If they use words like "handsy, cuddly, affectionate, physical, active, adventurous, likes to try new things" they like the dickadick. Use this to your advantage. I might go into more detail in later blogs about how to pick girls up on these sites, but this is about getting head.
Here's why I enjoy head so much.
1) They do all the work. Shoot, some girls even like to "show off" and I am happy to let them.
2) If you're going to get caught, it's easier to pull pants up then it is to put on all your clothes. Plan ahead, get a head.
3) You can get it in a car. If you find a better way to get head and then bail, tell me because I haven't found it.
So back to my story... I had met a girl online and we started sexting and skyping (and finding out her history), and finally she wanted to meet up. I took her out to a movie and afterwards I walked her to her car. I'll brag a little and say that I give great hugs and she didn't let go. So I gave her a little pelvic thrust (she thought it was playful, I was secretly testing her limits). I got my answer when she grabbed my ass and pulled me in for a better hug. I used the classic "it's cold, wanna get in your car and turn the heater on?" So now we're in her car and my dick becomes the subject. (Thinking back on this, I should be a playwright for a soap opera, I can't believe this shit actually worked) Anyways, a great story short, I wind up getting head in the movie theater parking lot and, wait for it.... SHE SWALLOWED. Girls, if you want to keep a guy learn to swallow a load. Don't ask me why it's so hot, it just izz. Here's where my life changed. She said, "ooh, you must drink pineapple juice!" I was dumbfounded. Turns out that drinking pineapple juice makes your jizz sweet!
I just had to test this out more to see if it was true. I made sure the next few girls knew that I drank pineapple juice all the time. The real cum whores knew what that meant, and the few that didn't use to swallow all of a sudden were craving me. Girls were buying me pineapples, dried pineapples, pineapple juice as a regular treat for me so they can have their treat later.
But Compass, why wouldn't they do that for other guys? you're asking. Simple... I have the perfect dick. It's just big enough that they can't all deepthroat me, but small enough that they want to keep trying. It's also pretty thick so they like wrapping their hands around me. Size matters, but pineapple juice levels the playing field.
So there you have it... That's just one trick to my dick that girls love to lick.
As my parting gift of advise, I'll leave you with this:
Drink 2 cans (or bottles) of pineapple juice 1-3 hours before getting head and become immortal.
-Compass
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Self Destruction Could Save You
The title may not make a whole lot of sense just yet, but let me assure you that it IS correct. I want you to recall the last time you told yourself, "I will not hook up with this guy, I will not hook up with this guy, I will not hook up with this guy, I will not hook up with this guy." I've personally received a very similar text message from a friend after she had been drinking. Likewise, I have also sent texts saying, "I will not hook up with this girl, I will not hook up with this girl"... You get the picture.
So I've came up with a way of preventing that from ever happening. Let's face it, when we've been drinking or when clothes start coming off our brain shuts down. As I've said before though, I don't like doing things that put me in situations I will regret later/cause drama that I have to clean up later. Here are some basic lines I use when I'm sober and know that I don't want to hook up with someone later (be it that they're ugly, crazy, ex, or best friend's ex, etc.)
Line 1 (The Bro): "Well it's a good thing you're like one of the guys or I may be tempted to do things to you later when we start drinking." -This one actually can either save you or get you in her pants because either she is too offended to let you touch her, or she'll try pretty much anything to prove she's a girl. Girls, this works too if you call him the "straight gay friend".
Line 2 (The Group): "We should make it a group activity." -Works great on crazies so you have witnesses there to support you and best friends to slap you.
Line 3 (The Bleeder): "I don't know how long I can stay, I just started my period and I haven't felt that great today." -Girls, the second you mention anything about menstruation, it's a metaphorical and literal red flag for us. We will never go there.
Line 4 (The Option): "Wanna be my wingman tonight?" -Guys, if you call a girl your wingman this is partially like Line 1, but with a more directive goal in mind. Girls, if you say this they know that you don't want to get with them.
Line 5 (The Unforgivable): "You're wearing that tonight? This isn't you're best day today, is it?" -This one will shatter any ego that the person may have had before you went out. Instead of paying attention to you, they'll be paying attention to the dark corners of the room they can stand in. If that isn't enough, keep going with something about their hair or makeup. This also may be the last time you hang out with the girl, so be careful.
As my parting gift of advise, I'll leave you with this:
Go out there and catch a grenade so you don't catch a disease.
-Compass
So I've came up with a way of preventing that from ever happening. Let's face it, when we've been drinking or when clothes start coming off our brain shuts down. As I've said before though, I don't like doing things that put me in situations I will regret later/cause drama that I have to clean up later. Here are some basic lines I use when I'm sober and know that I don't want to hook up with someone later (be it that they're ugly, crazy, ex, or best friend's ex, etc.)
Line 1 (The Bro): "Well it's a good thing you're like one of the guys or I may be tempted to do things to you later when we start drinking." -This one actually can either save you or get you in her pants because either she is too offended to let you touch her, or she'll try pretty much anything to prove she's a girl. Girls, this works too if you call him the "straight gay friend".
Line 2 (The Group): "We should make it a group activity." -Works great on crazies so you have witnesses there to support you and best friends to slap you.
Line 3 (The Bleeder): "I don't know how long I can stay, I just started my period and I haven't felt that great today." -Girls, the second you mention anything about menstruation, it's a metaphorical and literal red flag for us. We will never go there.
Line 4 (The Option): "Wanna be my wingman tonight?" -Guys, if you call a girl your wingman this is partially like Line 1, but with a more directive goal in mind. Girls, if you say this they know that you don't want to get with them.
Line 5 (The Unforgivable): "You're wearing that tonight? This isn't you're best day today, is it?" -This one will shatter any ego that the person may have had before you went out. Instead of paying attention to you, they'll be paying attention to the dark corners of the room they can stand in. If that isn't enough, keep going with something about their hair or makeup. This also may be the last time you hang out with the girl, so be careful.
As my parting gift of advise, I'll leave you with this:
Go out there and catch a grenade so you don't catch a disease.
-Compass
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The Stringer
There are a few rules that society lives and breaths by. The one I'm going to tell you about today is "The Stringer." Everybody has heard of the phrase "stringing them along" but it's more then just a phrase, it's a noun. Either you're the stringer, or you're the string.
The Stringer - (noun)
1. Someone who does not discourage a relationship or physical activity with a groupie/fan/crush while fully aware the groupie/fan/crush is not their type.
2. Someone who is terrible at break up's and therefor chooses not to.
The String - (noun)
1. The counterpart to the Stringer.
2. The groupie/fan/crush that is too blinded by "love" to see the other person is just not into them.
So there you have it; either you're the tool or you're the bitch. Personally I have about 2-3 strings right now just in case. It's not that I'm bad at break up's, it's just that these girls are too hot to leave out there. It's as easy as sending a "hey, just thinking of you :)" text once a week to maintain the attachment. The good guy in me says it's a cheap trick to do to these girls, and the seducer in me says save in case of emergency.
And while I may come off as a tool to some of you, let me also mention that I am the string with 2 girls. The first girl I am anxiously waiting for the day she is single again. The second (we'll call her Ash) is by far one of the hottest girls I know. This girl I've known my whole life and got friend zoned pretty early. In this rare case, I've worked out of the friend zone into a friend-with-benefits-without-taking-clothes-off relationship. Allow me to explain... I willingly acknowledge that I am the string with this girl merely because of how hot she is and we give each other full body massages. That's right suckers, we practice on each other! (plus I get the family discount at her work) On top of that sweet tidbit, she works out 6 times a week and loves to show me her reveling pictures for my approval.
What makes this ironic is that the same skills I'm learning with Ash is the same thing I do to most girls that turn them into strings. I give them their best massage, they give me a makeout or head some other time. Seems fair to me. So you see, being the string is a passed on thing. I was the string to Ash, and these girls are now my string.
As my parting gift of advise, I'll leave you with this:
Learn how to give massages.
-Compass
The Stringer - (noun)
1. Someone who does not discourage a relationship or physical activity with a groupie/fan/crush while fully aware the groupie/fan/crush is not their type.
2. Someone who is terrible at break up's and therefor chooses not to.
The String - (noun)
1. The counterpart to the Stringer.
2. The groupie/fan/crush that is too blinded by "love" to see the other person is just not into them.
So there you have it; either you're the tool or you're the bitch. Personally I have about 2-3 strings right now just in case. It's not that I'm bad at break up's, it's just that these girls are too hot to leave out there. It's as easy as sending a "hey, just thinking of you :)" text once a week to maintain the attachment. The good guy in me says it's a cheap trick to do to these girls, and the seducer in me says save in case of emergency.
And while I may come off as a tool to some of you, let me also mention that I am the string with 2 girls. The first girl I am anxiously waiting for the day she is single again. The second (we'll call her Ash) is by far one of the hottest girls I know. This girl I've known my whole life and got friend zoned pretty early. In this rare case, I've worked out of the friend zone into a friend-with-benefits-without-taking-clothes-off relationship. Allow me to explain... I willingly acknowledge that I am the string with this girl merely because of how hot she is and we give each other full body massages. That's right suckers, we practice on each other! (plus I get the family discount at her work) On top of that sweet tidbit, she works out 6 times a week and loves to show me her reveling pictures for my approval.
What makes this ironic is that the same skills I'm learning with Ash is the same thing I do to most girls that turn them into strings. I give them their best massage, they give me a makeout or head some other time. Seems fair to me. So you see, being the string is a passed on thing. I was the string to Ash, and these girls are now my string.
As my parting gift of advise, I'll leave you with this:
Learn how to give massages.
-Compass
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Pilot
It's about time you showed up. If you're reading this, that means 1 of 2 things. Either you were lucky enough to stumble onto my blog, or a friend told you to follow this fucking hilarious, lucky and brash dude. Either way, I'm glad you're here.
Before I go on, it's only fair to tell you a little about myself. I am Compass. I'm a student, I'm an athlete, I'm a comedian, and I understand women. It's taken me a while to actually get around to making this blog. Why? Well frankly it scares the shit out of me to lay my secrets out there to the world. It wasn't until I had 1 too many girls piss me off that I decided to actually tell some of their stories. Plus I like making new friends, so I encourage interaction.
My name is rooted in my public image. Depending on my crowd I can be 1 of 4 personalities, just like the 4 directions on a compass. Everybody, to some extent, knows they have different personalities but I'm one of those men that consciously knows all of mine and embrace my opaqueness.
1) The good guy: This one is listed first because this is how most people know me. I've spent my whole life holding doors open, "yes maam, yes sir"-ing, lending people money, whatever... you name it. I even kinda like this side of me because I'm a pleaser. It makes me happy to see others happy. This is a blessing and a curse at the same time which I'll explain. On one side of the coin, it's really easy for me to have parents fall in love with me and win their approval. On the other twisted side of the coin, it nearly always lands me in the friend zone with the hot daughter of the parents. Still, it's better to be known as good than bad so I maintain my image. I also tend to be a hopeless romantic at times, but I draw the line at chick flicks... I hate that fake garbage
2) The professional: For a lot of people, they view me as the kid in the library who never has a social life. I have a really difficult major and I work hard for everything I want in life. When it comes down to getting a job done, I'm all business and I have really high goals for myself.
3) The party animal: Dude, I'm in a fucking frat. I can drink you under the table, out trash talk you at beer pong and make a killer mixed drink. I love to go to parties to drink, and to watch people. Surprisingly enough, I don't enjoy getting trashed into memory loss the next day. Mainly because I make fun of the white trash when they do and I don't like putting my well-being into someone else's drunken supervision (I have a slight control issue). My favorite reaction is when I run into people I know at a party while they see me doing a keg stand or something. I should start a picture collection of these priceless faces.
4) The seducer: Ah yes, the womanizer... This is the whole reason I started this blog. I have been compared to a spy and to Barney Stinson by a few close friends and I'm totally ok with both. This is also my most challenging side to maintain because, well let's face it, it's deathly important to guard your reputation. My work and my school come first, so my secret has to stay a secret. In my experience as the good guy, I get to hear a lot of the dumb shit that you guys do to these girls so I took notes. In later blogs for you guys, I'll tell you about the different types of girls and how to land each of them. For you girls, I'll tell you which types of guys to avoid so you don't get heart broken anymore.
I hate number dropping, but for you to see my credentials, I've been with over 50 girls and never dated any of them. Most were just a one time thing to see if I could, and others were some lovely FWB's. Now before you go calling me names, I'm too cautious not to be safe although I've had a scare or 2 before.
Over the course of this blog, I will share with you some funny stories, some close calls, some life revelations, and some well needed tips on women. Girls... I love you and you know that, but some of you are just too stupid and pushed me too far. Read on so you don't become a victim to idiocy, and maybe even learn what guys are thinking so you can get what YOU want.
As my parting gift of advise, I'll leave you with this:
people will always tell you to 'be yourself' but I argue that people always want the truth but never want the scars.
-Compass
Before I go on, it's only fair to tell you a little about myself. I am Compass. I'm a student, I'm an athlete, I'm a comedian, and I understand women. It's taken me a while to actually get around to making this blog. Why? Well frankly it scares the shit out of me to lay my secrets out there to the world. It wasn't until I had 1 too many girls piss me off that I decided to actually tell some of their stories. Plus I like making new friends, so I encourage interaction.
My name is rooted in my public image. Depending on my crowd I can be 1 of 4 personalities, just like the 4 directions on a compass. Everybody, to some extent, knows they have different personalities but I'm one of those men that consciously knows all of mine and embrace my opaqueness.
1) The good guy: This one is listed first because this is how most people know me. I've spent my whole life holding doors open, "yes maam, yes sir"-ing, lending people money, whatever... you name it. I even kinda like this side of me because I'm a pleaser. It makes me happy to see others happy. This is a blessing and a curse at the same time which I'll explain. On one side of the coin, it's really easy for me to have parents fall in love with me and win their approval. On the other twisted side of the coin, it nearly always lands me in the friend zone with the hot daughter of the parents. Still, it's better to be known as good than bad so I maintain my image. I also tend to be a hopeless romantic at times, but I draw the line at chick flicks... I hate that fake garbage
2) The professional: For a lot of people, they view me as the kid in the library who never has a social life. I have a really difficult major and I work hard for everything I want in life. When it comes down to getting a job done, I'm all business and I have really high goals for myself.
3) The party animal: Dude, I'm in a fucking frat. I can drink you under the table, out trash talk you at beer pong and make a killer mixed drink. I love to go to parties to drink, and to watch people. Surprisingly enough, I don't enjoy getting trashed into memory loss the next day. Mainly because I make fun of the white trash when they do and I don't like putting my well-being into someone else's drunken supervision (I have a slight control issue). My favorite reaction is when I run into people I know at a party while they see me doing a keg stand or something. I should start a picture collection of these priceless faces.
4) The seducer: Ah yes, the womanizer... This is the whole reason I started this blog. I have been compared to a spy and to Barney Stinson by a few close friends and I'm totally ok with both. This is also my most challenging side to maintain because, well let's face it, it's deathly important to guard your reputation. My work and my school come first, so my secret has to stay a secret. In my experience as the good guy, I get to hear a lot of the dumb shit that you guys do to these girls so I took notes. In later blogs for you guys, I'll tell you about the different types of girls and how to land each of them. For you girls, I'll tell you which types of guys to avoid so you don't get heart broken anymore.
I hate number dropping, but for you to see my credentials, I've been with over 50 girls and never dated any of them. Most were just a one time thing to see if I could, and others were some lovely FWB's. Now before you go calling me names, I'm too cautious not to be safe although I've had a scare or 2 before.
Over the course of this blog, I will share with you some funny stories, some close calls, some life revelations, and some well needed tips on women. Girls... I love you and you know that, but some of you are just too stupid and pushed me too far. Read on so you don't become a victim to idiocy, and maybe even learn what guys are thinking so you can get what YOU want.
As my parting gift of advise, I'll leave you with this:
people will always tell you to 'be yourself' but I argue that people always want the truth but never want the scars.
-Compass
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